Financial markets crashed at 6pm on Tuesday as BANKERS (Banking Argyle Notables Killing Expected Revenue Strategies) flooded out of their desks in the City for their one and only Argyle away game this season. 

The atmosphere was formidable early in the game, as Argyle fans serenaded the thinly spread out home support with such classic chants as “dirty northern bankers” and “League One, you’re having a Laff(er curve).” (Our readers won’t get this, Ed.)

Matters soon receded, however, as Charlton went a goal up. Argyle rallied bearishly, but James Wilson eased the ball away from the net with his hand and left Argyle at a quantitative disadvantage—both in terms of men and the score as he was sent off and Charlton took a 2-0 lead from the spot, with Jayden “Short” Stockley burying the penalty. 

After that, Argyle fans streamed out of the away end to commiserate with their friend Charlie, missing Charlton’s third, which put the game beyond Argyle’s reach. 

In the second half, the Pilgrims battled to as little effect as a Bank rate cut; “JP” Morgan Whittaker reduced Charlton’s rate of score inflation, but the CPI (Charlton Prick Index) soon shot up again, and the Pilgrims ended up in negative score growth after two consecutive halves. (You should be aware that this is not technically recessionary, Ed.)

After the game,  chairman and rare Wall Street good guy Simon Pallett was furious that fans abandoned their posts in Canary Wharf to attend the game. “Those fuckers cost me big time on the markets today,” Pallett said, before requesting that this publication substitute his curse word for “a word rhyming with truckers.” “I don’t see how they expect us to be competitive in the transfer market if they leave their trading computers to bring their chums to the game and drink IPA outside the ground,” he added. 

A spokesperson for BANKERS, who declined to be identified, said that affiliated fans had planned Charlton as their only away day of the season but would in fact plan on travelling to Wycombe after hearing about the Conga Lines at the White Horse.